I’m crying as I write this…I’m totally in shock. I told my mum we were applying to adopt and I’m astonished by her reaction. Anyone I’ve told about this so far has been delighted for us and so encouraging by my own mother told me not to call her grandmother if we brought home a child from another country.
I was brought up in a liberal household so I thought…I’ve raised an eyebrow from time to time at comments she’s made about the number of refugees in our home town but I never thought she would react the way she did about a child.
I can understand her being upset about the idea of not having a biological grandchild but she should know how hard the last few years have been for us. But when I told her she just went quiet. A thing she does when she doesn’t approve of something.
I asked her what was wrong and she replied she supposed I should do what made me happy. This wasn’t good enough so I pointed out how hard it’s been over the past few years. She said something about the “bloodline” (coz we’re actually royalty or something I suppose -if you ask me our bloodline is better off stopping with me).
I knew that wasn’t all so I pushed further…she told me we didn’t know what we were bringing in to our home. I told her not to be stupid. She told me she wouldn’t be the grandmother.
I knew I wasn’t going to get a lot of support from that direction but I never expected such a biggotted reaction. I can never let her meet the child we bring home now because I wouldn’t subject a child to that level of biggotry.
I’m upset and angry. This isn’t the kind of thing I ever meant to write about on this blog – it’s too bloody public but I can’t keep quiet about that kind of reaction. I had assumed she’d be pleased for us but now I’m left with no mother at time when I could have done with the support.
After spending most of the day with a good friend and her mother I’m devastated that mine has once again shown how useless she is at the job.
October 27, 2007 at 7:59 pm
Positive vibes coming your way.
October 27, 2007 at 8:19 pm
That is sad…that she reacted that way. One can hope she snaps out of it when she mets the child.
October 27, 2007 at 8:26 pm
I just read this on Tag Surfer and I am so very sorry you got that reaction. But how wonderful life will be for the boy or girl who joins your family.
October 27, 2007 at 10:40 pm
I wish you the very best in your adoption journey and I’m so sorry your Mother reacted the way she did. I hope time and love can change her mind and be able to support you in this process.
October 28, 2007 at 4:58 pm
Another example of biology not writing our script, thankfully.
Assumptions we make about our parents … all evidence to the contrary … come from deep places and finding that we’ve been wrong can shock us to the core. You can try to keep in mind that she is the same mother she’s been all along, hope she comes around, and prepare to forgive this totally unacceptable behaviour … or not.
Your child will bring you uncountable joys with her or without her, and it will be her loss if she chooses to withhold her grandmotherness. Do NOT let her diminish your experience!
October 28, 2007 at 5:32 pm
It definitely hurts to not have your parents approve of what you do. But at the end of the day, you have to live for yourself. And your parents’ opinions are something you can’t control.
October 28, 2007 at 5:47 pm
Commonly, children falter in their understanding of some matters in life, and formulate unhealthy opinions. Good parents try to show them the better opinions, and not disowning their children.
Do not get me wrong. I come nowhere close to endorsing your mother’s attitude. But; though it’s not so common, but even parents some time falter in their understanding of some matters in life.
Reason out things with her. Not that she doesn’t know. But give such profound logic that you actually convince her.
Why? Because it’s your duty to try and do this. Or so I feel. Though I have no business in poking my nose in personal matters, yet I am daring to sound so.
Of course, if your efforts go futile, its understandable. It’s not easy to change the opinions of old people. But still, do try.
October 28, 2007 at 6:24 pm
I’m really sorry your mom reacted like that.
October 28, 2007 at 7:38 pm
When we told our parents that we were adopting, they were pretty cool about it because they just didn’t understand. They didn’t say things like your mother (and I’m very sorry about that!); but when we were matched, my mother called herself a foster grandmother. She even told me I should only think of myself as a foster mother until the adoption was finalized. That all changed the moment that she held Emma in her arms. She never again mentioned the word “foster” again.
I can’t change what your mother said, but I hope that once she meets her grandchild she will just melt.
Please don’t let this steal your joy. Adoption is a beautiful journey.
October 28, 2007 at 7:41 pm
I have a difficult mother just as you, so I can feel your pain. However, just know that you are a giving a child a wonderful chance at a good life and love and that, alone, is worth more than the opinion of any one mother.
I wish you all the best!
October 29, 2007 at 2:31 am
I am so sorry to hear that. I don’t know your mother and don’t want to be presumptious but i’m an Irish woman and have come in contact with similar views and i think its just a lack of education(not in a formal sense). People often don’t have to understand such issues as they’ve never had a need to and just react badily because they don’t know any better.
It sounds to me that you would like your mother to be involved and supportive of you in this part of your life. I really hope you can figure it out with her. I’ve found (dealing with a difficult father!), that talking calmly and reflecting back what they’ve said to be really effective. Sometimes when people hear what they’re saying from someone else it can make them see how unreasonable and unfair they’re being.
I hope you experience all the joys of motherhood and can sort things out with you’re own mum. Hope you’re ok.
Best of luck with everything
November 9, 2007 at 11:53 pm
I saw this on tag surfer.
Its sad that someone would reject a child before even meeting them but she may well change her mind.
Also there are far worse situations for childen to face. Some unwanted babies are killed before they get the chance to be adopted, rejected altogether before they are even born.
An adopted baby has the chance of a loving home, and people always come round when they actually see the child.